How Do We Choose Our Romantic Partner?

Have you ever woken up one day and realized you married someone who behaves in ways that feel strangely familiar, not the parts you loved, but the parts that hurt?

I have.

I once woke up and realized I had married my mother, not her good qualities. I divorced, remarried, and later woke up to the realization that I had married my father, again not his good qualities.

This experience is not unusual.

One of the first questions I ask couples in my private practice is what initially attracted them to their partner. The answers vary.

“He was handsome.”

“She was smart.”

“He was hardworking.”

“We had so much in common.”

“We both love cooking.”

“We both love traveling.”

All of these answers make sense. And yet, according to Imago Relationship Therapy, the primary force behind attraction does not come from conscious choice.

It comes from the unconscious.

Imago therapy was developed by Harville Hendrix in the 1980s. The word “imago” means image in Latin. It refers to an internal image formed in childhood, shaped by the positive and negative traits of our caregivers, most often our parents.

According to Imago theory, there is a direct connection between how we were raised and who we feel drawn to romantically.

At a conscious level, we often seek partners who reflect the positive qualities of our parents. If a father struggled with alcohol, we might feel drawn to someone who never drinks. If a mother was controlling, we may seek someone who feels more relaxed and flexible.

That makes sense.

Yet research and clinical experience suggest something deeper is also happening.

At an unconscious level, we are often drawn to partners who carry familiar negative traits from our early caregivers. Traits that recreate emotional experiences we once knew, even painful ones.

Why would we do this?

Imago therapy suggests that we are drawn into romantic relationships in an attempt to heal unresolved childhood wounds. The part of the brain that drives attraction is not the rational, present-focused brain. It is the older emotional brain, the part that stores early attachment experiences and unmet needs.

This older brain attempts to recreate familiar relational patterns in the hope of achieving a different outcome. A corrective emotional experience. A chance to repair what once felt broken.

This is why attraction often feels powerful, irrational, and immediate. When we meet someone new, the unconscious mind quickly assesses how closely this person matches our internal imago. The closer the match, the stronger the attraction.

This process happens beneath awareness. We are not intentionally seeking someone who resembles our parents. The unconscious is doing the work for us.

Does this mean we are doomed to repeat painful patterns forever?

No.

As Dr. Hendrix famously says, we are born in relationship, wounded in relationship, and healed in relationship.

Imago therapy views difficulty not as failure, but as opportunity. Moments of frustration and conflict reveal unhealed attachment injuries. Within committed relationships, there is potential for repair, growth, and transformation.

A central tool in Imago therapy is the Imago Dialogue. This is a structured form of communication designed to slow conversations down and increase emotional safety. Through this process, partners learn to truly hear one another. They begin to understand not only what is being said, but why it matters, where it comes from, and how past experiences shape present reactions.

When couples learn to build a conscious relationship, they create the conditions for healing. They move beyond repetition of old wounds toward empathy, connection, and growth.

Our attraction stories do not have to end in pain. With awareness, intention, and support, relationships can become a place where healing finally takes place.