Everyone Wants to Desire and Feel Desired: What to Do When Rejection Hits Your Relationship?
I’ll never forget the couple who sat in my office, , married fifteen years, who could barely look at each other. She finally broke the silence: “He hasn’t touched me in months. I feel invisible.” He responded immediately: “Every time I try, you push me away.”
They were both right. And they were both in pain.
This is the paradox I see in my practice every single day: everyone wants to desire and feel desired, yet somehow, in the dailiness of long-term relationships, we end up hurting each other in the very place we’re most vulnerable.
If you’ve ever felt the sting of sexual or emotional rejection from your partner—or if you’ve been the one pulling away—what I’m about to share will help you understand what’s really happening beneath the surface.
The Truth About Rejection That No One Talks About
Let me be direct: rejection in a long-term relationship can feel absolutely devastating. Not just disappointing. Not just frustrating. Devastating.
In over two decades of working with couples, I’ve heard the same confessions whispered in my office hundreds of times:
“I feel pathetic for wanting them so much.”
“I can’t believe I’m begging my own spouse for intimacy.”
“I must be completely undesirable.”
“Maybe we’re just not compatible anymore.”
Here’s what I tell every single person who shares these feelings: You are not broken. What you’re experiencing is one of the most normal, universal responses in intimate relationships.
What’s Actually Happening When You Feel Rejected
When your partner turns away from your touch, declines your invitation to intimacy, or seems more interested in their phone than in you, your brain doesn’t just register disappointment. Your entire attachment system goes on high alert.
Here’s the cascade of feelings that typically follows—and why each one makes complete psychological sense:
Shame Crashes Over You
That voice that says “There’s something wrong with me” isn’t irrational—it’s your nervous system interpreting rejection as evidence of unworthiness. John Bowlby’s groundbreaking attachment research showed us that rejection activates our primal fear of abandonment. Even in secure relationships, these moments trigger what we call “attachment anxiety”—the terror that our bond is threatened, that we’re losing our safe haven.
Shame is particularly insidious because it makes you want to hide the very feelings you need to share. You feel ashamed of feeling rejected, which creates a double bind: you’re hurting, but you feel too pathetic to admit it.
Protective Anger Emerges
After shame often comes anger. “How dare they reject me?” “I’m always the one initiating.” “They never want me anymore.”
Here’s what most people don’t realize: this anger is actually your psyche trying to protect you. Harriet Lerner calls anger a “secondary emotion”—it rises up to defend against the more vulnerable feelings of hurt, loneliness, and fear. Anger feels powerful; vulnerability feels dangerous.
The problem? When we lead with anger, our partners become defensive. The conversation becomes about who’s wrong rather than what both people need.
Anxiety Spirals
One rejection becomes “we never have sex anymore.” A single night apart becomes “the passion is dead.” Your mind starts writing disaster narratives: “Maybe we’re not compatible.” “Is this how it’s going to be forever?” “Are they having an affair?”
This catastrophizing isn’t weakness—it’s your attachment system scanning for threat. But it also amplifies your pain and makes it harder to think clearly about what’s actually happening.
The Loneliest Loneliness
Perhaps the most painful feeling is lying next to someone you love and feeling completely alone. Psychologists call this “relational isolation”—the loneliness of being unseen, not of being by yourself.
This is the loneliness that brings couples to my office. Not the absence of love, but the presence of disconnection.
The Critical Distinction You Must Understand
After working with hundreds of couples navigating desire discrepancies, I can tell you that the most important shift happens when partners grasp this truth:
Your partner rejecting sex or intimacy is not the same as your partner rejecting YOU.
When your partner says “not tonight,” they’re declining an activity. They are not declining your worth, your desirability, or your lovability.
I know this distinction can feel impossible to hold when you’re in the moment. The emotional brain doesn’t easily separate “no to sex” from “no to me.” But creating even a small cognitive space between these two things can dramatically reduce the intensity of your pain.
From a psychodynamic perspective, present-day rejection often activates implicit memories of earlier rejections—perhaps from childhood, past relationships, or formative experiences where not being chosen felt like not being worthy. Dr. Sue Johnson, founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy, calls these “raw spots”—old wounds that, when triggered, create disproportionate emotional responses.
Your partner’s “no” tonight may be touching a much older “no” that confirmed your deepest fear: that you’re not enough.
What Your Partner’s “No” Actually Means
Here’s what I need you to understand about your partner’s experience:
Desire is contextual, not constant. Despite what movies tell us, sustainable desire fluctuates. Research from the Kinsey Institute shows that 30-40% of people in long-term relationships regularly experience periods of low desire. Stress, exhaustion, hormonal changes, medication side effects, depression, anxiety, body image struggles, unresolved conflict—all of these impact libido profoundly.
Your partner’s low desire in a given moment is usually about their internal state, not about you.
Responsive desire is the norm, not the exception. Dr. Emily Nagoski’s research revolutionized our understanding of sexuality by distinguishing between spontaneous desire (wanting sex out of the blue) and responsive desire (wanting sex in response to pleasure or connection). Many people—perhaps even most people in long-term relationships—experience primarily responsive desire.
This means the “not now” may simply be about needing different conditions for desire to emerge, not about attraction.
Saying no with integrity is healthier than obligatory yes. When your partner is honest about not being in the mood, they’re choosing authenticity over performance. This honesty, while painful in the moment, is ultimately healthier than obligatory or coerced intimacy, which erodes desire over time.
The Roadmap Through Rejection
So what do you actually do with these big, uncomfortable feelings when rejection happens? Here’s the approach I teach couples in my practice:
1. Name What You’re Feeling—Specifically
Instead of letting shame spiral or anger take over, pause and identify the specific emotions beneath the surface: “I’m feeling rejected. I’m feeling undesirable. I’m feeling scared. I’m feeling lonely.”
Neuroscientist Dan Siegel taught us that naming emotions actually regulates them—“name it to tame it.” The simple act of labeling what you feel activates your prefrontal cortex and calms your amygdala.
2. Share the Vulnerable Truth, Not the Defensive Reaction
This is where real change happens. Instead of:
- “You never want me anymore!”
- “What’s wrong with you?”
- “Fine, I won’t bother you again.”
Try:
- “When you’re not interested in being intimate, I feel scared that I’m losing my attractiveness to you.”
- “I feel really lonely right now, and I’m not sure how to talk about it.”
- “It’s hard for me to not take this personally. Can we talk about what’s going on?”
Brené Brown calls this “rumbling with vulnerability”—staying with the tender feelings rather than armoring up with criticism or withdrawal. This is the communication that creates intimacy.
3. Separate the Moment from the Pattern
One night of rejection is a data point. Multiple rejections over time form a pattern worth examining together.
Don’t catastrophize one moment into a permanent reality, but also don’t ignore patterns that are causing you genuine pain. If you’re experiencing frequent rejection, that’s information about your relationship that deserves attention, not dismissal.
4. Get Curious, Not Accusatory
At a neutral time—not in the heat of hurt—approach your partner with genuine curiosity:
“I’ve noticed we’ve been connecting less intimately lately. I’m wondering what that’s been like for you? Is there something going on that I should know about? Is there anything you need from me that you’re not getting?”
This approach invites collaboration rather than triggering defensiveness.
5. Reconnect in Other Ways
Desire and intimacy exist on a spectrum. If sexual connection isn’t available right now, can you connect through:
- Non-sexual physical touch (holding hands, cuddling, massage)
- Emotional intimacy (vulnerable conversation, expressing appreciation)
- Playfulness (laughing together, sharing something fun)
- Presence (putting away devices and being fully with each other)
Sometimes maintaining connection in alternative ways helps bridge the gap until sexual desire realigns.
When Professional Help Makes the Difference
If rejection is happening frequently enough that it’s creating persistent pain, anxiety, resentment, or emotional distance in your relationship, this is not something to tough out alone.
In my practice, I help couples:
- Understand each partner’s unique desire patterns and attachment needs
- Navigate the vulnerable conversations about sex and intimacy that feel too risky to have alone
- Identify and heal underlying attachment wounds that make rejection feel unbearable
- Develop concrete strategies for maintaining connection even when desire doesn’t align
- Explore whether medical, psychological, or relational factors are impacting intimacy
- Rebuild trust and safety after patterns of rejection have created emotional injury
The couples who do this work don’t just survive the challenges of long-term desire—they actually deepen their intimacy and create more fulfilling sexual connections than they had before.
You Are Not Alone in This
If you’re struggling with patterns of rejection or disconnection in your relationship, please know: you are not alone, you are not broken, and this is not hopeless.
What you’re experiencing is one of the most common challenges in long-term relationships. The difference between couples who suffer through it and couples who grow through it often comes down to one thing: the willingness to get help.
You don’t have to figure this out on your own. You don’t have to keep having the same painful conversations that go nowhere. You don’t have to live with the loneliness of lying next to someone you love and feeling completely unseen.
There is a path forward. And I’m here to guide you through it.
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